I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
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Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them