Whisper out to librarians!
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Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
see you in hell you stupid fruit
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.