I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
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My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
“You’d better run, egg!”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you