My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 馃憤馃ぃ鉂わ笍
You Might Also Like
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don鈥檛 they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
when nothing goes right… go left
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse鈥檚 dad
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they鈥檇 never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Our vision of Hell doesn鈥檛 come from the Bible; it鈥檚 a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I鈥檓 the first person here! I discovered this!
Listen, I didn鈥檛 even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
i don鈥檛 think the t-rex鈥檚 arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
#milo
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It鈥檚 crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry