banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
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Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.