Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
You Might Also Like
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Okey dokey.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.