There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
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Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”