My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
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Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”