Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
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When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.