I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
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this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
You deplete me
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?