[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
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My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?