“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
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[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”