When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
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What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
This January has 47 Mondays
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband