As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
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“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I love you…
…r dog.