Always leave the cult better than you found it.
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OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me