We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
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Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
She: I like Cats
He:
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!