At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.