gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
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[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’