Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
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Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Happy thanksgiving
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
favorite tropes as memes
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*