[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
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Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
How do you like your Corgi?
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend