Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
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“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry