Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
You Might Also Like
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Somebody call the cops.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.