MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
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Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.