Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
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Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.