Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
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I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet