My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
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The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
scenes of unspeakable carnage
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.