You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
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WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
wtf management?!
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS