Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
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My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.