“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
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*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.