Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
You Might Also Like
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now