My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
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I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I hope this email finds you in a well
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”