I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
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Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
that wasn’t the question
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…