The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
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I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡