Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
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My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.