[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
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I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
This meal prepping shit easy
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.