I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
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I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
When you let grandma cat sit
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?