ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
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My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Can Happiness buy money?
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?