I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
You Might Also Like
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night