Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
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People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
me irl
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
The two types of wives
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no