goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
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Had to try this trend 😊
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.