Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
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“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”