It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
You Might Also Like
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
If snakes were wide
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.