Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
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Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?