There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
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SCARY COSTUME
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
At least my masseuse has my back.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”