Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
You Might Also Like
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.