u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
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FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
when dads have a rap battle
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”