Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
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Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
an airline just for babies.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?