Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
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wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
This is why I hate group projects
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.