Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
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If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
do what now??
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Very problematic
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes