Memoirs of a Fish Stick
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Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like